Tongue-in-cheek title notwithstanding, the above is still an apt description of Friday’s frustrating healthcare crisis.

When my eight-year-old son’s braces became entangled with his frenulum (the fleshy tissue under his tongue), his orthodontist was not in his office—nor was anyone else (they’re closed Friday afternoons). An emergency page went unanswered.

My own efforts to dislodge the offending tissue from its stainless steel trap resulted in a screaming boy. A trip to the drugstore for a numbing agent allowed me a little more room to maneuver—with no satisfactory outcome in sight.

Next up, the pediatrician: W ait for the orthodontist, or head to the ER. We don’t have the tools for such a procedure. Right.

Finally, a stop at the veterinary surgeon’s hospital—presumably for advice—next door to the unhelpful pediatrician. Bingo.

Dr. Wosar at Miami Veterinary Specialists recommended a stronger local anesthetic, which I applied. He then deftly untangled the tissue with the two wooden ends of the long, cotton-tipped swabs we vets use so often.

Done. A trip to the human ER and a $500 deductible payment successfully avoided. It helps to have friends in high places.

The orthodontist’s service called soon thereafter. No thanks, I told them, the vet’s got it all under control. Great, they said, the doctor’s out of town anyway.