Max, "The One Testicle Wonder" Trujillo has just sauntered into my waiting room. Like any pint-sized prizefighter with a Napoleon complex, Max has no idea he’s being made fun of. The lone testicle dangling between his hind legs has a way of stimulating conversation—and a few laughs.

Max is a Dachshund whose retained testicle was surgically removed, leaving the other to dangle conspicuously in...

Epee is a diminutive blonde Pekinese with a sad little face and a belly-full of something mighty nasty.

This 9-year-old pooch was brought in by one of our long-time clients along with her friends, newly relocated to the area and currently lacking a trusted vet.

Epee had been acting strange ever since the move, over a week ago. She has been quiet on the long drive from up north and depressed ever...

Okay, I’m sure you’ll agree that Paris Hilton is the skankiest, most vulgar personality ever created (by herself) for US consumption. She’s just nasty, IMHO. In a former life I partied heavily on South Beach—so I know first-hand. But, don’t worry; this post is not about her. It’s about Tinkerbell, her poor little, blameless pooch—and others like her.

Tinkerbell lives in Paris` arms while she...

Last Spring in Miami several individuals were arrested for importing puppies found to have been hiding drugs—inside their bodies. These puppies are often forced to ingest large, indigestible capsules filled with drugs (usually heroin or cocaine) or have large bags surgically implanted in their bellies. Cruel and cowardly, this method of drug smuggling has become popular lately.

Here’s a...

In vet school at the University of Pennsylvania we had this matronly, social worker professor-of-sorts who we all secretly loved though she was thoroughly uncool. She was the head of the veterinary hospital’s grief counseling program.

This woman was incredible. She would silently patrol the halls, wards and waiting rooms for signs of impending doom and could always be counted on to...

Recently, a vet in my area was mauled so badly (by a Rottweiler) he hasn’t been back to work in months. I’ve been told he may never practice medicine again.

I don’t generally regard my profession as dangerous—and certainly not life threatening. After all, these are dogs and cats, not lions, tigers, and bears. I’d venture to guess that a UPS driver is at greater risk (have you seen those people...

Saturday. I was rudely awakened at 0500 this morning by a rabble at my bedroom window. Until then, the girls and I had been snuggled up in a lump in the middle of the too-small queen I [mistakenly] think of as MY bed.

The trio of us pressed our faces up to the window just in time to spy the serenading bandit. It was Zeus—the neighborhood rambler and notorious ladies` man on the block.

A very...

I was at a party recently when a friendly obstetrician posed an indiscreet question. She leaned in and in a near-whisper asked, "How’s your liability insurance?"

Like a gorgeous young model being asked by a middle-aged schoolmarm what it’s like to be beautiful…I hedged. "It’s not so bad for vets" was my self-effacing reply.

This obstetrician used to pay $100K a year for the privilege of knowing...

Thunderstorms in Miami are just one of the perks of life in paradise. While hurricane threats are few and far between, T-storms are a seasonal luxury we can always count on. Problem is, some of my patients don’t share my appreciation for a good storm.

Thunderstorm phobia is a common (and understandable) behavior malady for many dogs. Cats seem to weather them well, but there not exactly given...

For the dog who has everything: “Neuticles.” The tag line for the product?: "It’s like nothing ever changed!"

“Neuticles” are testicular implants. I imagine the human version of this product was devised for testicular cancer survivors in need of replacements—the kind of things Lance Armstrong would have if only they didn’t get in the way of his career.

Neuticles are kind of cool. They’re solid...

Saudi Arabia recently debuted one of its newest blue-law style bits of legislation: no more pets.

Last month the Middle Eastern nation’s leaders arrived at this decision after fundamental Islamist factions lobbied successfully against pets of all types. As of a couple of weeks ago, non-agricultural animals may not be bought or sold in the country.

If you’re like me, by now you’re wondering...

Most people tell me they’ll do anything to keep Fluffy alive. They tell me they don’t need an estimate. They say, "Whatever it is I’ll pay it." I hand them an estimate anyway. Next thing I know, they’re looking for a less costly alternative. Usually, I find one for them. It’s always at the expense of their pet’s safety or comfort, but it’s usually a reasonable alternative given that not all of...

I’ve just finished watching the first season of Lost on DVD. OK, so I’ve just confessed to indulging one of my guilty pleasures: watching TV on my computer. Forgive this transgression, but we vets need some mindless diversion from the stacks of journals that await us in our mailboxes when we finally make it home.

To assuage my guilt, I’ll give you a vet’s perspective on this popular TV...

Kliff (last name of parents, Spring) is the most adorable geriatric patient on the planet—perhaps on all planets for all we know (save Pluto since we now know it no longer deserves that designation). I love Kliff.

Kliff is a big, red Doberman. He’s been my patient for about eight years now. For all that time he’s never failed to be anything but a perfect gentleman. When I saw him on Thursday,...

"Oh, no…now they’ve gone too far!" a friend exclaimed, "Dogs and cats have no business getting pacemakers. It’s obscene and ridiculous!"

As you might guess, I disagreed with her. If Mr. Porsche wants to get his favorite hunting dog, Jake, a pacemaker so they can keep killing ducks, who am I to stand in their way?

As, a vet, you might think this opinion is self-serving. But I won’t be making...

Friday. Should you wonder why my posts have been posted late in the day over the past couple of days (this assumes anyone reads this blog closely--Hi, Mom!) it's because I've been tremendously overworked.

I'll start with my Wednesday. Three AM emergencies. The most critical one did not even present as an emergency--Miss Sally had a sore back. X-rays of her back revealed a nasty-looking...

"Doctor, you must to help us! Eet ees an emergency of truly vast proportions!"

Such begins almost every telephone conversation with Signora Gucci. Her perfect coif, impeccably white Fendi suit, pristine pedicures in YSL sandals…You know the type: think Sofia Loren á la South Beach. Beautiful, but a little too Britney for her age. And when you open the dictionary to the D's, you’ll find her...

Nothing’s quite so heartrending as an arranged, family-style euthanasia of a beloved pet. The family arrives: parents, young adult children, friends. Some are crying. The tissue boxes get passed around. They’re often here to see their first dog or cat—the one they first experienced as a complete family—be humanely put to death.

I assess the scene: Fluffy’s wrapped in blankets on a table, or on...

Sometimes, even the simplest procedures can get out of hand. Like the time I was drawing up 10 cc's of blood from an itchy kitty for an allergy screen. The syringe malfunctioned (really, it was not my fault) and blood went pouring down onto the floor. To the untrained eye, it looked as if I had just exsanguinated the cat. The owner was my plastic surgeon’s newest wife. She stared silently and...

Red finally succumbed to his disease(s). His owner, when faced finally with the inevitability of his impending death, decided it was time to let him go.

I should be thankful he didn’t elect to take him home—something he kept suggesting he might do. Somehow my pleas against this option were effective enough to keep him in hospital. My others, nudging gently towards euthanasia at every...

If you have not yet seen the funniest movie ever, please watch Best In Show. Like most great comedy, it’s especially funny because it tells the truth. This flick is a mockumentary detailing the lives of the owners and handlers of various gorgeous purebreds during the run-up to a major dog show.

One of the Best in Show couples, the Weimeraner duo, reminds me of Mr. And Mrs. Hysterical, longtime...

This is a good one. My first phone call of the morning:

"Doctor, I think that Sparky and Scruffy are pregnant."

This is an easy one, I think to myself. I neutered Sparky last month—exactly 45 days ago. And I neutered Sparky on the day Scruffy first went into heat. The client swears that Sparky and Scruffy were apart before this because of Sparky`s incessant interest in her.

On first blush, this...

Caution: This post is rated R.

No way, no how. No clients allowed. You wait here. How many times can I say this and still sound polite?

What is it about collecting (aka, ejaculating) a dog (part of diagnostic testing for disease or for artificial insemination) that makes everyone want to watch? Men, especially. It’s the only time the guy volunteers to take the dog to the vet. For moral support?...

In The House of God, an acclaimed account of  life and death in a Manhattan hospital, Samuel Shem used a phrase that would eventually enter the veterinary lexicon: train wreck. It was such an appropriate description of how some [usually geriatric] patients present (end-stage, multi-system disasters) that it easily jumped the tracks from human medicine to vet medicine.

Red is a train wreck. He...

You’re at the vet hospital discussing your pet’s problem with the vet and the next thing you know Fluffy is whisked away in a big pink towel by a scrub-clad technician who claims she’ll be right back.

Petnapping is standard procedure in many hospitals. Blood is drawn, stool is extracted, vaccines are administered and nails are clipped behind closed doors, supposedly to relieve the client of...

Mrs. Melancholia hasn’t had a pet in months, yet her husband continues to call me about Noodle, their seventeen year-old Dachshund. Noodle died over the Thanksgiving weekend but Mrs. Melancholia is still "obsessed," according to her husband, with gloomy thoughts about death and Noodle’s "untimely" demise.

He’s concerned. And exasperated. He thinks I might have some advice to give her. I have...

One of our area’s well-respected vets just sold her hospital and retired from practice—a typical scenario were it not for her success, her youth (she’s in her early forties) and the reason for her retirement: she had finally yielded to her increasingly unmanageable allergies…to cats.

Ironically, this vet had been regarded especially for her devotion to cat medicine. We in the profession will...

Saturday. One of my last appointments for the day was a new pup, a six-month-old, dingo-ey dog. She had been rescued from the streets of southwestern Miami (a common place for people to dump their unwanted dogs). After checking her out completely—physical, heartworm, fecal check, shots, I realized I’d forgotten part of my protocol: the microchip check.

I check for microchips on all new pets so...

On a recent Monday I received a phone call from Moonshadow`s dad. He was exasperated that no one had called him regarding his kitty’s bloodwork results from the week before.

Umm…what bloodwork?

According to the file it was clear that I had offered bloodwork as preanesthetic screening for the emergency dental procedure Moonshadow`s advanced periodontal disease warranted. Before leaving for a...

Yesterday I became engrossed (yet again) in reading and responding to posts on Dogster`s health forum. I love the mix of zany and knowledgeable that serves as advice on this forum. One person posts a problem or just vents about their dog’s condition. The subsequent ten or twenty posts are usually caring, compassionate versions of advice.

Although some very misleading information is often...