Caution: This post is rated R.

No way, no how. No clients allowed. You wait here. How many times can I say this and still sound polite?

What is it about collecting (aka, ejaculating) a dog (part of diagnostic testing for disease or for artificial insemination) that makes everyone want to watch? Men, especially. It’s the only time the guy volunteers to take the dog to the vet. For moral support? I think not.

I suspect it’s sexual—and it’s not the doggie version that they’re ultimately interested in. It’s that most people are curious about sex, of course—even dog sex. But while I consider this perfectly reasonable, I still don’t want them to watch.

It’s probably the one procedure I strictly prohibit my clients from observing. I let them watch C-sections, spays and neuter procedures, sometimes even major abdominal surgery, etc., as long as they’re quietly respectful and follow the rules of a surgical suite.

But, again, there’s something about whacking off the dog that invites commentary, usually uncomfortable commentary. It’s as if someone were at your gynecologist’s side during a pelvic exam, offering tips and winking at the doctor.

Not appropriate. Not acceptable. No way. Never. I’ve had too many near-humiliating experiences to ever go there again.

For example, the one guy who practically salivated the whole while, panting, "Go, Buddy, go!" the whole time. What with all that excitement, I have a sneaking suspicion he went home to the vision and worked it for the next year. Yuck.

And then there was the guy who said, "It’s alright, I don’t need to be there but here’s my video camera." Double-yuck.

Bottom line: I don’t need to worry that some freak has an indelible vision of me and Fido in an undelicate posture, however professional the circumstances.

So next time the vet suggests a sample of your dog’s ejaculate—if you must watch—keep quiet, can the video, and make sure your vet’s appropriately unattractive.