And now for my annual pre-holiday gripe session…

1-Why do all the cars have to be on the road at once? I mean—really! Why can’t people just buy their stuff online so we could all save on gas and turbulent traffic patterns. I’m expecting every client to be late today as a result. (God forbid we actually remember—on the Saturday before Christmas with only two shopping days left!—that the traffic will be nightmarish.)

(While I’m on this topic, why is it that people buy Hummers? Don’t they know that we don’t all fit in the parking lots when double-parking becomes a necessity due to the size of a vehicle that can accommodate twelve but which almost always carries just one?)

2-Why do my clients call to report that their pet is ill, ask whether they need to bring the vomiting cat or bitten dog in to see me then firmly assert that there’s no way they can get here today. What do they want? A pass? Permission from the vet to treat GI distress or a wound at home when I have no idea whether the cat is dehydrated and dying or how deep the wound is? Common sense apparently takes a back seat when faced with the prospect of having no gifts for Aunt Marge and Uncle Joe.

3-How is it that clients call in a panic needing a health certificate, vaccines or some other regulatory bit of medicine only two hours before their flight or before the kennel closes its doors? And why do they suddenly think we can accommodate their pets at our no-boarding facility on the day before Christmas Eve? (But I can’t just leave Fluffy at home! If she dies it’ll be all your fault!)

4-Why do our clients bring us mountains of [highly perishable] candies and cookies and chocolates on the three days just before Christmas? Don’t we all have the same experience in our offices? Shouldn’t we know better than to do the same to others? Don’t get me wrong—we love to get presents and the sentiment is always welcome. But the bulk of the goodies end up at our local homeless shelter on Christmas Eve or on our thighs (where it most definitely does not belong).

5-And all those frantic phone calls asking for the name of a Cairn terrier breeder or a Yorkie-poo breeder or a Labra-doodle breeder the week before Christmas? Get real! Unless you have a mint to spend on the premium you’d pay to have to fly a puppy or fancy kitten from afar it’s just not going to happen. Go to the shelter or forget the idea altogether. (The latter is my preferred recommendation given the impulse-purchase implied by the last-minute phone call.)

6-Finally—Why is it that we act as if our frenetic behavior prior to the actual holiday is in some way proportional to the enjoyment we’ll receive? Why can’t we all sit at home in front of a fire drinking a mug of marshmallowy hot cocoa with our pets in our laps and the strains of Handel’s Messiah in the background?

OK so I know I’m asking for too much now—I might as well ask that people not drive Hummers. And that’s not going to happen in Miami anytime soon.

Forgive my traditional pre-holiday rant. This time tomorrow I’ll be quietly enjoying my baking and gift wrapping and I promise that my post will be correspondingly serene.