The scenario’s not uncommon: You left an industrial-sized bar of baking chocolate out on the counter. You fed her the leftovers of that spicy oxtail stew. You were careless with an open bottle of Aleve. Or worse…you ran her over in the driveway.
Yeah, sometimes the guilt can be unbearable. It makes you want to do anything to save the pet you’re at fault for having crippled or poisoned—even if reason tells you there’s nothing more that can be done...and that you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it.
I see it all the time. Heck—I’ve been there. Several years past I was present at a barbecue at which my own dog drowned—as in, irretrievably lost as a result of my own negligence. I know the guilt can seem insurmountable—probably because in many cases it is.
In these instances there often seems nothing that can excuse us for our misdeeds and/or sins of omission.
Ever since I became a member of this club I began to observe clients, friends and family who were responsible for accidents like this. (And they are accidents. After all, no one sits in a La-Z-Boy recliner knowing their ten week-old kitten is stuck in its inner workings.)
Most of us experience such tremendous guilt we know we’ll never completely get over it. Indeed, even the neighbor’s cat I ran over when I was a sixteen year-old, newbie driver figures prominently in my nightmares, á la Stephen King.
So what is a vet to do when faced with owners willing to spend their every last dime on ten days in an ICU on a ventilator after running over their own dog?…when there’s nothing more to be done...
As this week’s case with the horrific driveway moment proves, all you can do is fess up to your own negligence, bring in your staff to tell their own Advil nightmares and crushing scenarios, and hope they can let their pet go…because she deserves the very best…and that doesn’t always include a ventilator.
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Noooooooooo it's my worst nightmare. Probably why I'm a little bit of a nervous Nellie dog mom, as if constant vigilance can stave off every accident.
As a kid however we had plenty of accidents due to our indoor/outdoor cats and tragic run-ins with cars and lawnmowers. Sigh.
Esmee October 8th, 2008 01:26:00 PM
Interesting timing on your post Dr. Khuly. Our monthly newsletter that went out yesterday was about guilt.
I know I have experienced guilt with my own pets - for sure! I always feel horrible when they get sick, no matter if I'm at fault or not. I think it is in our human nature to take the blame!
In talking with a friend yesterday, she was so guilt stricken over a small accident that happened to her new kitten. He was being curious and an exercise weight fell on his foot. She felt just horrible about it, and was beating herself up! He is perfectly fine, but she was so worried he was scarred for life! I tried to tell her that these things happen to all pet parents, no matter how careful and how cautious!
Tammy October 8th, 2008 01:26:00 PM
My rat had babies and once they were weaned they were separated into their own cage (until they were able to make more babies with each other) and we had one girl get her foot caught in the wire cage she was in. I went in to check on them and heard a screaming noise and saw her little toe in the wire. My boyfriend pried the cage wires to get her foot out. She's fine, but she had to get her toe cut off the next day at the vets. =(
ashleigh October 8th, 2008 03:00:00 PM
thank you for sharing that. we all feel guilt to some degree in anything that happens to our pet.
when you feel responsible for its death, that is even worst.
but you're right...when it wasn't intentional, we should try to let go and not beat ourselves up.
leslie October 8th, 2008 03:20:00 PM
A few years ago I had a wonderful orange cat named Sunshine. One Wednesday I agreed to pick up an extra shift at work. When I came home, I could not find Sunshine. After much searching, I finally found him in the utility closet, wedged head down between the wall and the water heater. He was dead, of course, and by all appearances he did not go down easy. All I could think about was that my sweet kitty died a horrible, painful, and frightening death. How he must have cried out for help. How ANY OTHER Wednesday I would have been home to save him.
Gotta go...crying now...some pain never goes completely away.
robyn w October 8th, 2008 04:38:00 PM
I recently heard of a woman whose most beloved cat was, unbeknownst to her, in the dryer when she turned it on.
He did not survive and she is beside herself. Apparently, that happens a lot.
Stefani October 8th, 2008 04:39:00 PM
I had a client last month who bundled up her laundry with her five pound 20 year-old cat inside. Amazingly, apart from some chemical (soap) burns to her corneas she was unscathed after the thirty-minute cycle.
Along the same lines, my mother's spider monkey (whom she had in Cuba over 40 years ago) was caught in the dryer once. So much noise was made by her almost-human screeching, however, that she was quickly rescued.
Dr. Patty Khuly October 8th, 2008 04:52:00 PM
Hey, Dr. Khuly, can you do a "happy" post tomorrow? Between yesterday's kitty-kicking one and today's accident post, I may need to be talked down from a ledge soon... :)
Shasta October 8th, 2008 05:04:00 PM
Oh my....the laundry! *shudders*
My dog loves to roll in the toasty, fresh-out-of-the-dryer laundry. Thankfully not the dirty laundry. If she did, I hope that I would notice while sorting though.... *promises to always double check from now on*
Creature of Habit October 8th, 2008 05:04:00 PM
As a kid I grew up in Malaysia in the early 80s. One of the neighborhood kids who was perhaps 5 or 6 years old at the time thought that an afternoon in the deep freeze was what kitty needed to cool down from the tropical heat. Said neighborhood kid's mother found kitty nearly frozen solid and decided that junior wasn't quite ready for a pet yet so my family adopted her. Her belly muscles were all screwed up afterwards but she recovered and lived to a ripe age.
Alex October 8th, 2008 05:42:00 PM
One Sunday afternoon a couple of years ago my husband was building me a greenhouse. He was putting the glass door on and it didn't quite fit so he leaned it outside across two boards. I was playing ball in the fenced yard with all the dogs when the ball went over the fence and I sent my female lab for it. She took a short cut and the next thing I heard was glass breaking and I felt suddenly sick.. She came right back too me with the ball in her mouth. She required about 80 sutures to close all the cuts including one that went through the joint in her foot.. My husband felt terrible and so did I. We now have wire covering all the glass in the greenhouse and I go get the ball when it goes over the fence.
Elizabeth - from Nova Scotia October 8th, 2008 08:59:00 PM
last november, my adult son accidentally stepped on one of kittens. Gumby. He was dead in a matter of minutes. It tooks me months to recover and sometimes when I close my eyes I still see him dying in my hands. I know it will never leave me. It was the only pet accident I have ever experienced and it was terribly traumatic.
Anyone who has lost a pet to an accident has my deepest sympathies. The guilt is horrendous and the loss even worse.
I am almost compulsive about the pets now, and it drives my family nuts sometimes. I can only hope with time the pain as well as the rest lessens.
It is the worst experience I have ever gone through.
LorriM1 October 9th, 2008 02:12:00 AM
We once almost left our new kitten, about 3 months old, closed in the fridge: he managed to sneak inside it and we did not notice, we were leaving for the day when we started earing an insistent miawwwww, miawww frow somewhere in the kitchen, but where? I opened the fridge and the kitten run out of the door, scared and cold.
That was a very close call.
FS October 9th, 2008 01:18:00 PM
I'm coming up on the anniversary of two beloved dogs that were traumatic. One was over 10 years ago, I lost a dog entrusted to someones care that got hit by a car and died instantly, I was angry and upset for a long time. Eventually I accepted it, it was an accident. The second trauma will always stay with me, it was a deliberate and cruel act that caused great suffering beyond reason.I hope someday I can forgive myself.
Barbara A. Albright/New Hampshire October 9th, 2008 08:15:00 PM
the most haunting story I have ever heard didn't happen to me, it happened to my little sister's ex boyfriend. his cat had kittens and the whole family was so excited about it... they had never had new baby kittens before. one day they accidently left the door to the kitten room open. one of the ex boyfriend's friend went into the room to see the kittens and started screaming. the family dog had found his way in there. one of the kittens was already completely gone, eaten up. the other fell from the dogs mouth as he ran from the room. the kitten was already severely broken up and died a few minutes later.
ugh. not something i can even fathom walking away from unscathed. just hearing about it scarred me.
Charity October 9th, 2008 11:08:00 PM
My ex-brother in law backed a tractor over his beloved dog. It was a teeny tiny dog that had showed up at my sisters door one day, and they kept her. The dog, Belle, fell so in love with my ex BIL that they agreed he should take her when they separated even though he'd basically been her daughters' dog. We didn't know what breed she was but she was tiny and adorable.
He really loved that dog, and she just ran under the rear wheels before he had time to see or react. If I recall correctly, she wasn't dead and he had to rush her to be euthed. He cried and cried, and he is not the crying type.
Stefani October 13th, 2008 05:06:00 PM
I lost my rescue German Shorthair Pointer (approx. 14 years old) last Saturday to a drowning accident in my pool. He had been haveing bladder control problems so I let him sleep in the living room and left the paio door open for him to go out and relieve himself at night. It did not occur to me that he could wander over to where the pool is located becuase he does not like to swim! All the warning signs were there for a horffic accident to happen and I managed to ignore all them. I go out of my way to protect him like place cardboard in front of large windows, night liigths lit, never let him jump off anything highter than about 18" but totally blew the most dagnerous condition he could face. I am afraid I will never be able to forgive myself for the suffering and fear he must have endured during his last few moments alive. It seems to have erased all of my fond memorable times I spent taking care of him. I cannot shake this image of finding him on the bottom of the pool early Saturday morning.
Bruce Newman October 20th, 2008 06:35:00 PM
Bruce i know exactly what you are going through as it happened to me 1 year and 11 months from this thursday too. you were a caring and loving dog parent. He sounds like a beautiful dog, by the way, and lived to a ripe age, how incredible you had all of those years with him. I hope you feel some comfort knowing he knew you loved him very much. As you can guess, i haven't gotten over what happened to my dog and it's nearly 2 years. But i have found ways to remember the good things, the good times, MUCH more than that short episode which ended her life. And she was barely 1 year old, so my guilt for shortening her life was horrible.
Anyway, i hope that as time progresses your heart can heal and it will be filled with more of the good memories. I too found my baby at the bottom of the pool. If they have souls, and i believe they do, they will return to us in some other form to continue to teach us more.
Lovins, Rae
raelene Mercer October 21st, 2008 05:53:00 PM
I lost my schnauzer of 7 years old last night when he nust of slipped into the pool or one of my other dogs accidently pushed him in....he was knocked in before like 6 years ago and I came home to save him.....he walked by the pool for years and I even taught all of them how to get out of the pool...the water was cold and when I came home he wasnt there to greet me I knew he was dead....I blame myself for not putting fence around the pool (the cost was high)..I guess im looking to know he went fast and didnt suffer much I miss him so much!
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