Can you think of a scenario more nostalgic than one in which you’re forced to undertake a picture-by-picture, letter-by-letter purge of your personal life?
Long-departed pets shoulder their way back in, their images proliferating on your bedspread. Their old tags tinkle alongside Canine Good Citizen certificates as a ream of ancient adoption paperwork flutters to the floor.
Spring cleaning is underway in spectacular fashion in the Khuly household. Yes, I know it’s not spring. In my defense, I did start in spring. It just so happens this year’s been a long, slow burn kind of “clean.”
Remember the last time you moved and all the crap that went out the window? This go-round is perhaps even more thorough than that. The kind of clean-out that happens only a few times in your life. (Case in point: over a thousand old books have already been adopted into good homes or donated to the library in advance of my new Kindle.)
But it’s not just about upending boxes of old photos and digging up glorious animal treasures. Aided by this summer’s failure of hot water heaters (plural), a well pump, and my electrical panel (you should see last month’s electricity bill) along with a mold problem and an exterior rotting wood scenario, this year’s spring fling won’t likely be complete ‘till Christmastime.
You know how it is. Whether it’s time to move or just time to sit down and mindfully organize your life’s possessions, it’s always frustrating to sort through the chaff...but immensely rewarding to rediscover the wheat along the way. And sometimes, if you can get past the tears, it’s cathartic to revisit the times and places that have defined your life.
Among the glories: Embarrassing pics from my first college road trip (that hair!). Graduation snapshots from high school (God, I hated that place). Black and whites of two boxers playing in the Philadelphia snow (color shots would have been a travesty for that foul neighborhood). Newborn portraits from my son’s first day home from the hospital. All the long-gone cats, dogs, birds and the one pretty pony from my tween years.
And then there was the piece de resistance: A patient’s cage card I’d saved from my very first euthanasia.
Kato was a young boxer whose undefinable autoimmune joint disorder had led to high fevers and debilitating pain. Despite what must have been agony (if what humans describe for similar situations is any measure), Kato never lost his drive to lick your hand, wiggle his stumpy tail in a perpetual windshield-wiper motion or give a happy-ear look whenever you peeked in on him. All this from a prone position atop his orthopedic mattress in the hospital ward where he lived for a week amid a blur of potent pain meds and a scrub-clad crowd of soon-to-be-vets.
After a week and a series of immunocompromising drugs had failed to bring him any relief, his kidneys rebelled and Kato declined. That’s when I was handed the syringe and asked to participate––if I could––in his euthanasia.
Afterwards, as I wheeled him to the necropsy room behind a veil of tears, a wise vet hospital worker spoke to me: "Remember how you feel right now and keep it with you for your whole career. If you can do that you’ll be a great vet, no matter what else happens."
It’s only a 1.5 x 3-inch sliver of blue molded plastic. But it looks kind of odd amid all the kooky costume jewelry I used to wear in vet school. That’s why after this weekend’s box-raiding session it’s time to give it a proper place. It’s own frame, perhaps? In a stately spot in my home office?
Maybe it’s a morbid thought, but sometimes resurrecting the dead is doable after revisiting a pile of ragtag ruins––even when they happen to come from a moldy closet alongside a leaky water heater. Luckily, some things can be repaired. And when they can’t, at least they can be well-remembered.
Add Comment39 Comments
Powerful stuff.
Jen
Jen August 26th, 2009 01:06:13 PM
Aww, Dr. K., you write so darn well - sadness and thoughtfulness wrapped into a really nice package. I'm envious of your skill with words.
KateH August 26th, 2009 02:12:23 PM
I cried when I read this (and I'm at work. Very embarrasing)
I hope when my older kitty's time comes -- and I know it isn't so very far away any more -- there is a veternarian who has taken this lesson to heart and will be there to ease my friend into whatever awaits any of us in the beyond. Very moving post.
Moongirl August 26th, 2009 03:34:39 PM
That was beautiful. Thanks for the much needed cry, and for triggering memories of my own bygone pets. Maybe I'll get around to that kind of spring cleaning next year. On second thought...maybe not. I value my water heater too highly.
M August 26th, 2009 04:26:36 PM
Thank you for this post - and you really do have a knack for eloquence. :)
Randi August 26th, 2009 06:46:45 PM
Beautiful story. Very touching. Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish our pets could live forever...
Daniela Caride
www.TheDailyTail.com
Daniela Caride August 26th, 2009 07:31:05 PM
I agree whole heartedly.. There are some things that need to be saved.. I've shared 17 years with a yellow lab.. and then another 17 years with a brittney.. and they are just as dear to my heart as Socks.. Yes, I still have their adoption papers, and tags, and wouldn't think of parting with them.. I have pictures, and presents from peds. patients that went through our offices, and are still with us going back 30 years.. Am I pack rat? Nope.. Just very organized..
I wonder what I should do with the presents Socks brings me.. Nothing dead.. Thank God.. Do you know what it feels like when you put on a sneaker, and it doesn't feel right, and when you finally do take it off.. and out pops a pizza crust that was given to him the night before? You just have to smile, and say what a guy..
barri August 26th, 2009 07:55:52 PM
ty inspired me to dig out the photo box and show my girl some of my old furries
jim hall August 26th, 2009 09:41:21 PM
What you can do, ugg boot moron, is stop commenting on this blog!!!!!!!!! I don't think it's censorship to prevent jerks like this (and the other ones of all stripes) from clogging up the comments. I hate seeing a higher # of comments than last time and wanting to read real worthwhile comments (Yes, yours are worthwhile, PJ!) and finding crappy spam masquerading as real people!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, I', not happy this week - trying to find a better home for an honestly abused dog and not getting any responses from more than 70 people. Very disheartening.)
KateH August 26th, 2009 09:59:53 PM
Memorabilia can now become immortal, even if the pooch can't. Take pictures of it and post them on a web site long enough for the Google crawler to index them and they will live forever in the Google archives. It is important to put words on the page to increase your hits. Say something like "This is not the Kato of Pink Panther Fame".
Then your ex-pooch will show up as one of the more than 28,000 hits on "Pink Panther Kato" searches. If you wish to not be so public about it, to the text add "Britney Spears would have loved Kato" and your poochie will be hidden among the 547,000,000 search hits.
The Google archives are the internet equivalent of the "Space Bag" as seen on TV. According to the fellow in the link below, a single Google search consumes as much energy as an 11 watt light bulb does in one hour. Nobody mentions how much energy it takes to view a web site or store a web page.
Since we are passing off the cost of everything else to our children and grandchildren it is good to know they can pay for maintaining our memories in perpetuity as well. If we had to pay per post, few u g b o o t s posts would exist. The rest of us, of course, have something important to say. ;-)
For the "green" among us, we could actually run out of energy by simply talking about it on the internet. Google currently has box cars full of servers that they can move around so as to not get taxed in any particular community. They are actually considering building floating cities to house server expansion outside the tax jurisdiction of the US. And they are funding competition for private trips to the moon, most likely to plant servers there.
http://perpenduum.com/2007/10/a-single-google-query-consumes-as-much-energy-as-an-11-watt-light-bulb-does-in-one-hour/
Bob Jones August 27th, 2009 04:52:17 AM
Wow.
This is spot on: "Remember how you feel right now and keep it with you for your whole career. If you can do that you'll be a great vet, no matter what else happens." And that's why my wife is also a great vet. (Doing a housecall PTS right now while sick and on her day-off).
Robert August 27th, 2009 10:26:58 AM
Robert: That quote was from Penn's vet hospital social worker at the time, Kathleen Daniels (I think I'm remembering that right). She was kind of creepy in her ability to sniff out human suffering on the subject of animals. Bless that crazy woman, wherever she is.
Dr. Patty Khuly August 27th, 2009 12:14:05 PM
A related New York Times article, which came out a month ago, landed on my desktop today: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/22/health/views/22case.html?fta=y
"I learned that day that I needed to slow myself down, to appreciate the gravity of the moment, the power of time and the depth and proximity of my work. It was a very big deal."
Thank goodness there are people in the medical field(s) with big hearts. Thank you for being you, Dr K.
Hospital Chaplain August 28th, 2009 02:12:31 AM
HC: That was a great piece. Thank you so much.
Dr. Patty Khuly August 28th, 2009 12:59:17 PM
I Wish I could live a lot longer to share more animals in my life. Live is to short we need more people to love and care for our animal friends.
Nettie Friend to all animals August 29th, 2009 06:57:27 PM
Thank you, Dr. Patty, that was beautiful. I'm choked up and in tears but smiling.
Diane C. August 31st, 2009 11:02:42 PM
Dr. Khuly, this was a beautiful, beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing it.
Maybe you could create a small shadow box or something to display it.
I was raised with boxers. They are wonderful dogs and will always be my favorite.
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