Here’s a question: What’s the protocol for handling clients’ off-color jokes, taming their florid outbursts and rejecting any untoward advances?
I have no clear answer for all these cases. That’s where you come in.
No matter what business you’re in, you’re bound to be exposed to undeserved assaults on your dignity and/or your domestic status. Some people are, simply put, “inappropriate.” So much so that sometimes all you can do as the target of the language or behavior is backpedal in the opposite direction and employ a technician, assistant, receptionist, kennel worker or colleague to intervene on your behalf.
As in, “Perhaps you’d prefer to see one of the male veterinarians next time since I can’t imagine the doctor you’ve just acted so repulsively with will ever condescend to stand in the same room with you ever again.”
That was one half of a discomfiting exchange after a [very drunk or otherwise impaired] client assailed my dignity with an indecent proposal better suited to a fetish party than a veterinary exam room. (But then, when one is as inebriated as this client was I can understand why everything might have seemed a bit of a blur.)
Luckily, that was the first and last time I ever received an explicit, triple X-rated proposal. Since then, however, plenty of rude, crude, suggestive and otherwise inappropriate remarks have come my way. While they’ve never ceased to surprise me, I do confess to finding it increasingly easy to handle these cases.
Call me wimpy, but these remarks are simply dealt with by leaving the room and sending in a male colleague to complete the appointment. (“Dr. Khuly had to take care of an emergency.”) In the past, when no colleague was present to help me out, the client was rescheduled for another time (with another vet)...or the client received his records in the mail a few days later.
Avoiding the problem is the easiest way for everyone to save face, I’ve determined. After all, no one likes to be called out on their extreme rudeness. Refusing to sit and listen to it (by exiting) then pretending it didn’t happen is the best way to avoid a scene...and retain the client, to boot.
But what do you do when it’s not so clear cut? Here’s where I have trouble. When clients call you “Sweetie” (pronounced with a certain drawl and maybe a surreptitious wink), call you or stop by frequently for [almost] no reason, stare down the front of your scrub top, or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable...how do you handle it?
After all, they’re not usually trying to be rude (OK, the scrub top thing is over the top), they’re just confused as to your availability or interest in them, perhaps. Is it worth firing a client over something as innocent as that?
It’s a tough call and it depends on many factors, most of all the “offending” party’s ability to pick up on basic social cues. But unfortunately, not all humans are created equal in this regard. Which means that uncomfortable words will have to transpire. And it’s too bad. Because almost nothing kills a happy veterinarian-client-patient relationship like a line-crossing expression of excess endearment.
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Hmmm - I have to say, I'm surprised to hear that vet's have this problem, too! I guess in my mind, vets are up there in the "authority figure" department with doctors, politicians... people that you don't try to pick up in their place of work as though it were some seedy dive!
I know, I know, vets are people, too... then again, all the vets here old enough to be my grandparents. I'd never proposition my grandparents or even their friends!
As a groomer, however, sometimes it feels we're treated more like hired help and therefore fair game.
My boss struggles with how to handle these lapses in other people's judgement. I don't. I face it head on: "Are you flirting with me?"
How they answer determines my approach but no matter what, I tell them that this is my place of work and that kind of behaviour is inappropriate and will not be tolerated.
I find when said with a dazzling smile a la Debbie Reynolds... clearer is better. YMMV.
BCBev November 24th, 2009 09:14:59 AM
A sharp-witted friend of mine uses a line that I am always too caught in the moment to remember. "Wow, that was rude. Why would you say that?" It works well on nearly all rude behavior, from sexism to racism, because people seem to be startled out of their own comfort zone when they're put in a position of having to intellectually explain why they behave like they have no manners.
Feline November 24th, 2009 10:41:50 AM
Man, how Dolittler replicates life. We were just discussing this in our workarea today. Unfortunately, BCBev has confused a work associate with a customer. In the customer service business, we have to make efforts to keep the customer happy. The reality is that while the customer is always right, it's also possible for the customer to be an idiot. Truth be told, there may be appropriate and kind customers that come to you because you are, (and I am making an assumption here) attractive. Words are words and they only go so far and can only harm if we let 'em. It's part of working with the public. For our part, we do have customers that my female work associates are uncomfortble working with and for those times, I go along and "assist."
So I say that for those inappropriate customers, assign them to another Doc if possible. If not possible, then have an assistant with you and ensure that you are talking with the assistant the whole time. It can be about the exam or, if you are creative, it can be about a ballet that you and your wonderful boyfriend went to, the one where he bought you a nice dinner and then you met up with a guy that he played football with in college. Hell, you can have this conversation with the guy by yourself if you want. During this exchange, you can look over at the guy in question and say "So, did you ever play football in college?" What I am saying is that there is a way to put a guy back on his heals without being a complete b****.
If he uses a fraze that you don't like, deflect the subject but make a point. If he said "So, sweety, hows my cat?" you respond "Oh, fluffy's ok"...then continue "You know, that term, sweety, that takes me back. I had a boyfriend that always said that. 'sweety' I used to like it but he turned into a real pig and then started cheating on me. Everytime I hear that term, 'sweety' or 'hunny' I think back to him and the pig that he was." Then you look up and say "oh, not you, I am sure, but you know, I can't help it sometimes. You're not like him, I am sure."
Now, you have said nothing about the customer except that you KNOW he's not a pig and that he would NEVER use a word like that even though he just did... You gave him a target to aim for, the target of a "guy that is not a pig, a guy that would never call you sweety.
Really, what it comes down to is YOU controling the flow and nature of information without being rude. It's an art, but I think you can do it.
EAB November 24th, 2009 10:42:54 AM
I had no control over my post being a hyperlink to a watch outlet. Sorry, but I didn't do it. Regards,
EAB November 24th, 2009 10:43:50 AM
BLOODY HELL...Fraze is spelled "Phrase"...duh!!! Too much texting.
EAB November 24th, 2009 10:44:46 AM
"how do you handle it?" Well, now, Hon, one southern girl to another, that's where an hourly billing rate and billing in 6 minute (or any portion thereof) increments comes in nicely. They can call me Sweetie all they want at the minimum $25/pop. Stop by frequently :)
Alternately, when those eyes are aimed at chest, put your hand in front of your chest, snap you fingers and direct them upward; reminding them your eyes are "up here" and a conversation with the boobs is at a much higher billing rate. That's the one I used with opposing counsel, male attorneys :)
PJB November 24th, 2009 11:05:45 AM
Uh, when's that switch over to the new blog site???
PJB November 24th, 2009 11:09:09 AM
I work at a business where I answer phones and log calls. I cannot count the number of times I have been called honey, sweetie, dear, and other sorts of things. I clearly state my name at the beginning of the call and instead get called things that I consider to be fairly intimate terms, usually said in a wholly condescending way. I've been tempted to say. "My name is not 'dear.' My name is Crysania." But usually I just tend up smiling, though I'm sure my anger comes through in my voice. I DETEST these names and I think it's incredibly rude and condescending to use them. I wish people would learn proper respect. I am calling you Ma'am and Sir and you're calling me "sweetie"? I don't think so.
Crysania November 24th, 2009 11:12:21 AM
Trust me, it's WAY WORSE when it is your PATIENT and not your patient's owner.
dr sara November 24th, 2009 11:21:56 AM
OK I will start off with--I treat people with respect and kindly...so I am not a total beyatch...
AND I have been called sweetie and honey by harmless old men who mean no more than to be polite.
Finally, I have been in your shoes, Dr K. Why do you feel you need to be even REMOTELY nice to anyone who assaults you in such a way? That's the problem --we feel WE are in a predicament trying to figure out HOW to say STOP without OFFENDING!
Personally I have NO problem telling people like that to BACK THE F*** UP, SHUT THE F*** UP and GET THE F*** OUT! and this has happened in the workplace, too. At work, I followed the Fbombs with a small speech about hostile work environment and sexual harassment.
I'd be more than happy to come down and talk to this moron for you.....
agadoresmama November 24th, 2009 01:14:52 PM
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Trying something to see if it will fix the mass linkage above.
Anonymous Reader November 24th, 2009 03:31:09 PM
Hmm, rats, apparently that's a no. Ah well. Guess it'll have to wait for Dr. K.
Anonymous Reader November 24th, 2009 03:32:49 PM
Anonymous Reader: I'm sorry to say that I've now been thoroughly hacked. Because I'm between platforms, it also seems as if no one is willing to help me fix this. By next week I'm hoping to be at the new location, though it's a tad earlier than I expected. Thanks for trying, though.
Dr. Patty Khuly November 24th, 2009 04:42:11 PM
OK I think I fixed the spammer. Sans techie. A round of applause...
Dr. Patty Khuly November 24th, 2009 04:47:31 PM
<<<<<clapping>>>>>>
J.C. November 24th, 2009 06:26:27 PM
I have had a similar problem - one of the newer vets at the practice I use calls me "hon" every time I'm in there. I'm sure he means no harm and it's just his habit; I'm old enough to be his mother. But it's certainly annoying, particularly coming from an educated man who should know better...
Mary November 24th, 2009 06:39:16 PM
The accompanying picture to the blog is too much!
But enibriated is one thing and ignorance is another,
Inebriated would rattle me no matter what was said, even next to nothing.
Sweetie, honey, hon, and dear are automatics from some people. particularly those in service industry. I've learned to think nothing of it.
Boob stares? Well that is rude, feline has a good answer to that!
Barb A./NH November 24th, 2009 07:40:05 PM
There is one woman that calls our practice regularly to place orders for food or to make a payment and she always calls me dear. For some reason if bugs the heck out of me and I could never put my finger on why. Crysania hit the nail on the head. It's because I have a NAME. Maybe I should call her "dear" back next time.
I can't even imagine the gall of someone making a pass during an exam. I like the story ideas EAB had.
Tail wags, Marie http://k-9solutionsdogtraininginc.blogspot.com
Marie November 24th, 2009 09:26:30 PM
I have found that giving as good as you receive usually solves the problem. But in your case, I'd ignore as much as possible. Some don't know better, some are looking for a response...drunks are just that.
LorriM November 25th, 2009 01:04:32 AM
One of my receptionists just reminded me of a recent case where an overzealous [older, male, always too touchy-feely] pet owner asked for a hug.
In response, I simply said, "No, Mr. X, you and I both know that would be inappropriate." Said with a sly smile, it kind of works. He wasn't insulted.
Dr. Patty Khuly November 25th, 2009 09:16:40 AM
I used to bartend, so rude and off-color comments were common. I simply started charging for rude behavior. Everytime someone would make a comment, I'd snatch a few dollars off the bar as a "tax on my patience".
Or I would say something like "Really? Tell me, has that line ever worked for you?"
What eventually worked in the business world was a blank stare.
"Hey Sweetie, can you check this for me?"
Blank Stare.
"Um, Hon, (nice dress, BTW), can you get this done?'
Blank Stare.
"Darlene, can you please take care of this?"
"Oh, sure! It would be my pleasure!"
Making them wear The Cone of Shame might also work :)
darlene November 25th, 2009 09:41:14 AM
You can't take it personally when someone looks down your scrub top. I realize that's easy for a male to say... but if you consider intent, it's a far cry from the other things you listed. Calling you "Sweetie," requires a conscious decision to use that word. Wandering eyes in response to a woman in a v-neck, loose-fitting shirt leaning forward in front of you requires only a momentary lapse in self-control.
Of course, the length of the stare and the situation factor in, but I doubt most guys with wandering eyes mean any disrespect at all-- in fact, they would love if you didn't notice, and remained the authority figure well out of their league.
Drew November 25th, 2009 11:09:56 AM
It occurs to me that before making a comment that will surely draw the ire of many commenters, I should at least have established myself as a regular here. I hope you guys will stick to tearing apart my comment without making too many assumptions about me, personally.
Drew November 25th, 2009 11:13:03 AM
Yeah, Drew, just keep using that "It's a guy thang" excuse. I'm not saying that you, yourself, would do anything more than notice and politely look away, knowing that those boobs aren't really meant for your eye-pleasure, but just admit that any guy who gets caught staring like that ought to have the balls to blush.
KateH November 25th, 2009 01:24:27 PM
Dr. K., I've found that a flash of facial expression often gets the point across without words, and most of the time, the person the microexpression is directed at, can't say anything because the exchange takes but a second and almost registers subliminally. (Did that make sense?)
Imagine the facial muscles just beginning to scrunch up into that "euww, what's that smell" look - and just let the expression flash across your face for a nanosecond, then look away. By the time you look back, the offender often is still a bit confused and you can say something nice and simple to get their brains to 'jump' over the incident. It still stays in the back of their mind, but it avoids a confrontation.
Of course, there are those who deserve the whole hard eye stare that a dog who's serious about biting you uses. It's actually very easy for humans to do, and it works best if it's used with body blocking techniques. I know it's hard to feel you should do that at work and risk a confrontation, but there are other places it's perfectly suited for. Any place alcohol is served comes to mind...
KateH November 25th, 2009 01:36:21 PM
I try to treat all women the way I would want my wife, sister or daughter to be treated. If you responded with the question: How would you feel if someone asked the same of your ______?
Scrub tops should not elicit a stare. As a vet seeing many clients a day, how about when an attractive female dresses in an obviously provocative manner? Or the 2 job interviews I had this week, one showing major cleavage and the other with a spaghetti strap top? I question their judgement and this usually disqualifies them. do they just not know any better or are they thinking it will help their chances of getting hired?
Hobson November 25th, 2009 02:43:32 PM
Hobson, it's good to know that you can use the brain instead of other organs, when making decisions. Although I was once told I was hired for my "looks and legs" , it actually made me think less of the guy - I thought I'd been hired because we could have interesting conversations!
And yes, many women try to trade on their looks to get jobs. Many men take the bait, and if the woman has the skills to actually do the job, you'd think it would be a win-win. Sadly, if one uses looks and is hired with them in mind, the workplace can become unpleasant, making it a lose-lose situation. I'm not thrilled that I no longer can throw my looks into the mix in an interview, but at least now, if I get a job (and it's a lot harder for overweight women), I know it's because it's expected that I'm capable, not cute.
KateH November 25th, 2009 03:54:58 PM
"are they thinking it will help their chances of getting hired?" Of course. Look at the stats, they're not wrong. "pretty" people (male and female) are more likely to be hired and, on average, get paid more. Does one NOT use the assets at one's disposal? Sorry, we're just not that evolved as a species.
PJB November 25th, 2009 04:07:58 PM
Very honest of you, Drew. You're probably right, too. Most don't mean anything by it. But being caught out in a moment where fundamental self-restraint was lacking doesn't bode well for the rest of what the individual has to offer. After all, those who lapse in their manners on rare occasion are hard to discern from those who have none at all.
Dr. Patty Khuly November 27th, 2009 09:05:58 AM
"An ounce of prevention...."
A. I have been wearing a t-shirt/tank top of some sort under my scrub top for +10 years now. Easy solution...
B. As far as advances go, a simple "I'm flattered, but I am happily in a relationship" has always worked for me. Not too rude, not too soft and everyone can still be friends. The bigger of a deal you make out of it, the bigger of a deal it will become. It usually only takes one line for them to hit on you, so it only warrants a one line response.
STC November 27th, 2009 03:23:42 PM
I've worked as a racetrack veterinarian, thus, I've been called "sweetie" "darling" and much, much worse, in at least two languages. Most clients don't mean any harm. Of course, a racetrack is less formal than a veterinary office, so I can get away with walking away pretending not to hear. For one or two problem clients, I've refused to enter the client's shedrow and sent my male partner. If the client is truly beyond obnoxious, the client is informed that if my partner is not at the racetrack, the client is to call another veterinary service. Safety is also an occasional concern, especially after hours in the barn area.
In my farm call practice, I once told an obnoxious (non-client) who paged me late one evening with a chronic non-emergent problem: "That's DOCTOR Honey to you" right after I told her to trailer the animal to the nearby veterinary school hospital.
Best line ever from a racetrack client, who had just asked me out: "You're a married man," said I. "Does that make me ugly?" said he.
Anonymous November 29th, 2009 03:45:37 AM
Great subject. I think the best story of the kind I have heard is the pregnant patient's husband propositionic the genetic couselor after a prenatal counseling session. Makes you want to take the lady aside and tell her "What a guy you've got there!"
silkenpaw December 10th, 2009 05:40:10 PM
I learn lots of new stuff here ! regard
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